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Post by kamaria on Jun 3, 2012 8:53:15 GMT -5
Kamaria sat huddled up in the open end of a big pipe that had a good view of the central part of the Junkyard. She was in a weird mood, and didn't entirely know what to do with herself. Lonely. Sad. Contemplative. And angry. Angry with herself. Annoyed with all the angst. She needed to just... Suck it up and move on. This was getting ridiculous.
She sighed and flopped down on her belly, half hanging out of the pipe, looking around. She wouldn't mind some company.
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Post by Tumblebrutus on Jun 3, 2012 10:59:31 GMT -5
Tumblebrutus was humming as he walked. It'd been a bit stressful. Girls were definitely stressful. And boys. And all of the above. And Pounce was always such a dick. And well. Yeah. Stuff like that.
But when he got out to the Junkyard, he nearly retreated back to human territory. But his feet dug in the ground, body rigid. She just looked so sad. But she wanted nothing to do with him, he was sure. She wanted his father, not him. It just wasn't fair. She hated him. And he was pissed. Why his Dad? His dad was this old manwhore!
Without being aware of it, he was walking toward her. When close enough to see her face, he looked down. "Are you okay? You look... so sad."
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Post by kamaria on Jun 3, 2012 11:02:29 GMT -5
She realized a tear was slipping silently down her cheek. She wiped it away angrily, and looked up when Tumble approached her. Great.
"I..." she started, and sighed. "Why are you even talking to me? I thought you hated me," she said quietly.
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Post by Tumblebrutus on Jun 3, 2012 11:25:11 GMT -5
He withdrew a step, eyes narrowing, maybe a bit wounded. "I'm not allowed to be worried about you?"
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Post by kamaria on Jun 3, 2012 11:28:27 GMT -5
Kamaria hoisted herself up into a sitting position and fidgeted a bit. She felt embarrassed that she was crying in front of Tumblebrutus. She sniffed and rubbed at her cheeks angrily. Dammit.
"Of course you are. Thank you. I just didn't think you would. I thought you hated me after what happened..."
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Post by Tumblebrutus on Jun 3, 2012 11:39:18 GMT -5
He frowned. "I don't hate anyone except Macavity. And it's not your fault you like my Dad." He made a face at that, shoved his hands in the back pockets of his pants. "So, what's wrong?"
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Post by kamaria on Jun 3, 2012 11:52:10 GMT -5
Kamaria nodded. "Okay. Right. You just seemed really angry when you ran off." Pause. "I'm really sorry, you know. I didn't mean to upset you."
She rubbed the back of her neck and sighed, looking up at him for a bit, and then looked away again. "I just... I don't even know anymore. Your dad. It's stupid. But it hurts. All the time."
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Post by Tumblebrutus on Jun 3, 2012 11:55:13 GMT -5
Talking about Kamaria's love interest in the somewhat vacant railway cat who was his father was hard. Still, he took a seat on the ground and looked up at her, fairly quiet as he listened. "What do you even see in him? You could do so much better."
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Post by kamaria on Jun 3, 2012 12:14:36 GMT -5
She shook her head. "I don't know. I don't really think there's anyone around who likes me like that. I had a crush on Munkustrap for such a long time, but he's all about loving everyone equally, I don't think he's the type to be in love with anyone. And then there's your dad. I just... I don't know."
She picked at the hem of her jeans. She felt so stupid and undesirable and why the hell did she always fall for cats she had no chance with?!
"I'm sorry. This must be awkward for you. I don't know why, I don't know what it is about him, but... I love him. I'm pretty sure I do, anyway. I finally told him, and he ran off on his stupid train, said he'd talk to me when he got back. He's been gone for so long, I almost begin to think I scared him off permanently. He doesn't want me. He didn't directly reject me, so my stupid heart clings onto the miniscule sliver of hope that maybe, just maybe he'll come back and tell me he wants me, but... Not bloody likely, is it. And it hurts so much."
Tears were streaming again, and she shivered a little. God, and in front of Tumblebrutus. This wasn't fair to him.
"Jesus, I'm almost as angsty as Misto or Kitrina or something. This is ridiculous. I'm sorry. I shouldn't be telling you this."
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Post by Tumblebrutus on Jun 3, 2012 12:28:20 GMT -5
I don't really think there's anyone around who likes me like that.
Tumblebrutus smiled weakly as he gazed at her, nodding his head to be sympathetic though that stung. Sure, everyone liked Munkustrap, and he tried to be fair. The thought of him being exclusive was almost ridiculous just because he was so fair.
Awkward for him was accurate. Loving his father, her admitting it, and him leaving. It was hard to swallow, though he had to. Just had to. "It's..." He stalled, trying to find his words. Looked down and traced a circle in the dirt. "Him leaving isn't personal. He's been gone almost all of my life, and always liked Victor more. Just never bonded with me. Dysfunctional at best around my mother. So..." He strained on the words, "So...it's entirely possible that he does care. He just... is always gone. And you deserve better."
He focused more on the circle, and making it into a face. "I don't blame Kit for being depressed. She's had it tough, and it's hard to shake. And Misto, I don't know so much about angsty because I don't see that side of him ever. I know others do but... I don't. All I see when I look at him is sheer perfection." And someone who got involved with his brother, his brother knowing he liked Mistoffelees perfectly well, something that nixed any sort of idea of a chance.
As he worked on the drawing's whiskers, he added more quietly, "And I think the issue isn't that there's no one that likes you, but that you're not interested in the ones who do like you, and to cope with not feeling something for them you pretend they don't exist, or their feelings rather. And maybe you long for the unobtainable because you feel guilt that you don't like those cats who like you, and don't want to hurt them, so instead end up hurting yourself a little. And then no one wins. Because you're one of the prettiest cats in the Junkyard. Anyone could testify to that."
When he finished the little sketched out face in the dirt, he recognized the markings as similar to Pounce's. Using the palm of his paw, he smoothed dirt over the top, erasing that face.
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Post by kamaria on Jun 3, 2012 12:39:52 GMT -5
"I'm sorry he hasn't been around much for you. He cares though. I know he does. He told me. But that doesn't really help much, does it," she said quietly and shook her head.
"Kitrina has had it rough, I know. That's why I think it's ridiculous I'm almost as much as a mess as she is. Over what? A broken heart? Stupid. Stupid stupid stupid." Thumping her paw weakly on the side of the pipe, accentuating each 'stupid'.
She frowned at the last bit. "I... What? No... Look. I really care about you, but the way I would care for a brother, not..." she couldn't say it. Lover. She wished so desperately to be loved, but not by Tumble. By his stupid father. She didn't even know why she was so drawn to the big ginger tom. But she was. Oh, she was. And she hated herself for it.
"I'm sorry I hurt you. And I don't pretend your feelings don't exist or whatever. I just... I can't reciprocate them. I'm sorry. If there's someone else around who... Likes me, though, I genuinely am not aware of it. I'm not intentionally ignoring anything."
She smiled weakly at the compliment. "One of the prettiest cats? Hardly. Thank you, though. You're sweet."
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Post by Tumblebrutus on Jun 3, 2012 12:44:42 GMT -5
"You clearly haven't talked to Plato then if you think that you're not pretty," Tumblebrutus said, though he shook his head. "Don't worry about my feelings. Just inadequacy feelings sometimes--like Misto getting drawn to my brother, you to my father, what's next? Pounce or Jemima to my mother? But doesn't matter. I don't need to be into that stuff."
Tumblebrutus already was drawing again, though he stopped himself when he noticed again that familiar patch. He really missed hanging out with Pounce. Just them without the distraction of the tough bad boys or girls or any of that. He wished it were years earlier when they were younger and girls had cooties. But there wasn't going back.
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Post by kamaria on Jun 3, 2012 12:55:22 GMT -5
"Plato thinks everyone is pretty, though," she said with a small smile.
She took a deep breath, shook herself and rubbed her paws across her face. "I'm sorry you had to see me like this. I swear I'm not always this depressing. I just... Well. I'm hurting." Small self-conscious shrug. She wanted to move on, but she didn't know how to. Most of all she just wanted to see Skimbleshanks bustling into the Junkyard again. Wanted him to come find her and tell her he'd thought a lot about her and what she'd said, and realized he wanted her.
No. Stupid. Wishful thinking.
"For what it's worth, I think you should try talking to Jemima. She really likes you."
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Post by Tumblebrutus on Jun 3, 2012 12:58:01 GMT -5
"I'd love to talk more with her but Pounce'll sabotage it, like he always does. And besides that, I don't know how to talk to her. It's different. Used to be friends with her but then seeing her differently... it's strange."
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Post by kamaria on Jun 3, 2012 13:04:32 GMT -5
"Sounds like you need to knock some sense into that best friend of yours," she murmured and looked at him. Placed a paw on his shoulder in an attempt to comfort. "Yeah, it's hard. And confusing." ...and painful, she added mentally. Always that dull ache inside her lately. She hated it. Hated how strong an effect it all had on her.
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Post by Tumblebrutus on Jun 3, 2012 13:35:50 GMT -5
He hesitated with the touch, the position on the pole making her seem that much taller and tougher. But it was hard to keep holding the sweet smile. So much was confusing. So much didn't make sense, and yet so much pointed to the same thing, the feeling of being a loser.
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Post by kamaria on Jun 3, 2012 13:48:43 GMT -5
She withdrew the hand and looked away. She didn't know what to say to him. She'd already said too much. He didn't need to hear her thoughts and feelings and confusion about his own father. Wasn't fair.
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Post by Tumblebrutus on Jun 3, 2012 13:51:52 GMT -5
Although he felt bad about it, he also was relieved at the same time with less touch, and looked at her, a bit gratefully, for that. But then there was the void of things to say. "Love can't be everything though, can it? Because that'd leave for nothing improved in life."
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Post by kamaria on Jun 3, 2012 13:59:17 GMT -5
Kamaria was surprised at that; it was more profound than anything she'd expect such a young cat to say.
"Not everything, no. But it would be nice to have it, you know? And it just all... Takes up so much space. Too much space. I don't want to be sad all the time. I really, really don't."
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Post by Tumblebrutus on Jun 3, 2012 15:33:42 GMT -5
"Then maybe you should go get it and not be unhappy. What if you went looking for him?" Tumblebrutus suggested as he shifted to lie on his back and gaze at the clouds changing sides overhead.
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Post by kamaria on Jun 3, 2012 15:36:45 GMT -5
Kamaria blinked. "Went looking for him? I don't even know where the train station is. And he said we'd talk when he got back. I think I'll have to wait..." She sighed. "This shouldn't be so hard."
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Post by Tumblebrutus on Jun 3, 2012 15:42:22 GMT -5
"Waiting's always hard and if he said he wouldn't be long..." Tumblebrutus frowned. "He's unreliably. Completely. A hundred plus percent."
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Post by kamaria on Jun 3, 2012 15:47:15 GMT -5
"He said he'd be back and we could talk then, yes. It's been so long, though. You'd think he'd want to come back and see his family, his tribe soon..." she trailed off and looked up at the clouds lazily gliding by overhead.
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Post by Tumblebrutus on Jun 3, 2012 16:30:43 GMT -5
"He never wants to see his family. Or not most of us at any rate," Tumblebrutus snorted. "I can't tell you how many times he's been here and conveniently forgot to say hi to me."
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Post by kamaria on Jun 3, 2012 16:35:03 GMT -5
Kamaria frowned. She knew Skimbleshanks struggled to deal with his sons sometimes, but... "Seriously?"
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Post by Tumblebrutus on Jun 3, 2012 17:34:33 GMT -5
"I don't lie," he said, slightly snorting. "He's so preoccupied with everything that isn't important."
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Post by kamaria on Jun 3, 2012 17:38:54 GMT -5
"I guess," she sighed. "They're probably important to him, though. But you'd think his family and tribe was important too. And then there's me wishing I was important to him, too... I don't know. But I wish he'd come back soon, to spend time with you guys. And talk to me. I just... Yeah. I seem to be stuck like this until I know for certain how he feels. Which I guess he'll tell me when he comes back. If..."
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Post by Tumblebrutus on Jun 3, 2012 17:54:19 GMT -5
Tumblebrutus rolled his tongue around his mouth, unsure of what to say. She was absolutely smitten with his father. His damn father. "He cares about the tribe. At least Old Deuteronomy." He gazed out over the junkyard. What a mess this all was.
"If you're going to go for someone, you should go for Munk. At least then what you see is what you get, and you know what he's like in advance."
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Post by kamaria on Jun 3, 2012 17:59:56 GMT -5
Kamaria sighed and hugged her knees. "Yeah... I still really like Munkustrap. I'm not sure he'd be able to give me what I need, though. But in fairness I don't know if Skimble can either, if he wants me at all. It'd all be so much simpler if I liked, I don't know, Admetus or something. He's so straightforward and kind, and I'm sure he'd be a wonderful mate. But there's not a flicker of anything there. Apparently I only go for older, striped guys. I don't even know."
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Post by Tumblebrutus on Jun 4, 2012 13:47:31 GMT -5
"You see?" Tumblebrutus snorted. "You even admitted it yourself. Those you're interested in are some that are difficult. The nice guys who are straightforward are ones you don't have interest in." And maybe it was another bit of agitation. The scenario wasn't great from the start, and still wasn't, and would loll. She just didn't seem to realize it, to acknowledge what she had.
Or maybe that was still wishful thinking on his end.
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